The great starting debacle pt 7

Hello and all of that. So here we are again. Since we last spoke, there have been some changes made in our clan. It has been decided, stupidly most probably, that the lovely and very reliable Volvo S40 is going. A 7 seater planet killing towing machine is to be its replacement. Also going is the minging but very reliable Volvo V70 as the planet killer will effectively take its place. That means that the Beast is to become the second car and my transport to work. This all sounds great as this is what I have wanted for 20 years. And then I go into the garage. And then I am presented with my "project".

Since I lobbed my spanners a couple of weeks ago, we have moved on a little bit. I had the starter reconditioned. This was put into place on Saturday. Although it sounded better, it still didn' t fire. #70th plug removal showed the usual - fuel soaked plugs. These were cleaned and replaced.

It was then decided to bypass the fuel pump as it had been suggested before and I hadn't checked it, and I didn't really know what else to do. After borrowing a submersible pump from Paul, I had to get some fuel. Returning with the fuel, I met Stuart/Stewart. Only turns out that 6 doors away there lives a bloke who used to work for Grinnall!!!

It was like watching a surgeon at work! Off came the SU's and out came the screwdrivers. He was working so fast that he looked like he had four arms. #71st removal and the plugs were cooked and replaced. Cock!

Very very nearly. It ALMOST starts when the key is turned. But as soon as the key is returned to the "run" position, it loses its spark. Stuart/Stewart suggested it may be the electronic ignition or at least a lead going to it / from it.

This is now the Holy Grail:

MURDER!

The teabag is dead, long live the Beast!

Monsters

Monsters and evil still lurk in my garage which is why there has been no recent blog updates. By evil I mean the Beast. We are still not friends. I am still very reluctant to go anywhere near it. I had the starter motor looked at - it were buggered. Yes I know that this fact might explain the starting debacle, however, I am loathed to refit the recon'd starter through fear of having to begin a post entitled "The great starting debacle pt 7". Oh and I haven't picked up the starter yet either!

You all know what's on the To Do List. You also all know that it don't start either. But. For some unknown and strange reason. I bought the Beast a tonneau cover today. Am I trying to ignore my true feelings?

Oh Feck It

I am at a crossroads. Where do I go now? This car has become a mistress, I no longer see my wife and family. For example, I spent several hours on Saturday and most of Sunday fannying around in the garage trying to get the useless sack of crap to start. The new battery leads look nice but made feck all difference. I trawled around Kidderminster on Sunday for an age trying to find a tyre/battery place that was open. After finding one, the good news is that the battery is fine. The bad news is that something else must have fecked on it. The pit crew suggested that it must be the starter motor ... it turns over very slowly as if the battery is still dead, which is isn't. Various car forums have also suggested that it may be the starter motor, so off it came, to be taken to a starter motor man for reconditioning. There goes the carpet money.

This is perhaps also a good time to mention the pit crew. All of them know loads more than I do and together we STILL can't get it to run! So what chance have I got if I were left to my own devices? I do not have bucket loads of cash to waste on it and thus umpteen trips to garages is not possible. Nor do I have the knowledge to do it myself - a Haynes service book and a few old rusty spanners will not suffice! I honestly thought that my mad quest for one of the quite dreadful cars would have brought hours of fun and satisfaction. My cock.

I love driving it, but there lays the whole point, I haven't for 5 months now and I am still months away from driving it in the near future. I am now at the crossroads. I am going to take a few weeks away from the garage and decide if it is time to cut and run.

Fingers crossed ...

... that the new +ve and -ve leads (kindly donated by Lionel) and the new +ve and -ve gold battery terminals (from a car audio place with discounts kindly donated by Lionel) result in the Beast spluttering to life over the weekend, otherwise I fear the next headline will read thus: "The great starting debacle pt 7".

The great starting debacle pt 6

Another fruitless day. On Sunday Lionel came round. The idea was that we were going to see how much the matrix in the heater leaked, and to see if a bottle of Radweld would sort out the problems. I assured him that it would start as it had purred the weekend (see video as proof!) before and had sort of started only a few days ago. We installed the shiny new heater hoses and topped up the water and were ready to test.

It'll start my arse. Out come the spark plugs for the 68th time and out comes a wire brush and my Black & Decker paint scraping heat gun. Once completed, it started for about 5 seconds before stopping. And then the battery died. By this time, Simon had come over to play and join in the fun. We decided to push the car out of the garage so that we could try to jump start it off Lionel's van. We missed the side of the garage by a gnat's todger. A white stripe down the OS door really would have been the final straw.

It'll start my arse. Just like Mr Ben, Paul popped around to see what was (n't) going on. The Beast now had it's very own Formula One team playing with it. Paul realised that Simon's jump leads were pooped and thus they were changed. Start my arse. We then checked the spark on one of the plugs. All was well with the spark, however, Paul noticed that the plug gap was slightly too big (a slight under statement). Out came the plugs for the 69th time and so did Simon's feeler gauges.

Paul then swapped Lionel's van with his Land Rover and brought out the thickest pair of jump leads known to man. Start my arse. He then did some things that I still don't quite understand! It went something like this: he connected the negative lead to the engine via the battery and the positive lead to the starter motor (bejaysus that made a few sparks!). It was then decided by Paul and electrical guru Lionel, that the the Beast's earth was dung as was the positive. I must admit that whatever he did, it sounded much better when the ignition key was turned. Still didn't chuffing start though.

It was at this point that whilst being ridiculed about my Beast (including the suggestion that street parties were held by the previous owner when I parted with my cash (sorry Neil!) ), that Karen brought over a plastic bag containing bits of plastic interior trim dropped off by Neil only moments before! Despite assuring them that he was actually quite a caring former owner, my "Pit Team" guffawed helplessly.

The To Do List has thus grown to include #25 change the +ve and -ve leads and battery terminals. Will it ever work again?

Love and hate relationship

I went to start the Beast today. I leave you with these two pictures: